


3am

by justyrae



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV 2020)
Genre: Agoraphobia, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, because i can't just write a fluffy soulmates au there has to be ANGST, it's like a hint of pining but it's there ok trust me, sorry not sorry this is what happens sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 02:34:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30065352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justyrae/pseuds/justyrae
Summary: Alex can't be around people anymore. Not even his roommates. He keeps telling himself it's gonna be okay, but even he doesn't really believe that.
Relationships: Alex Mercer/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 87





	3am

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whatisreggieshortfor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatisreggieshortfor/gifts).



> i honestly have no explanation for this other than the fact that some anon on tumblr sent me a trope mashup of "roommate AU + mutual pining + soulmates for willex" and my dumbass brain went ok but what if alex was agoraphobic?????? because this is how my brain works, apparently. also, this is [whatisreggieshortfor](https://whatisreggieshortfor.tumblr.com/)'s fault <3
> 
> full disclosure, i do not have agoraphobia (i mean, we're in a pandemic so maybe i am a little agoraphobic rn) and i don't know if what i've portrayed is accurate so PLEASE do not assume that this is how people with agoraphobia act and there CERTAINLY is no quick fix for any anxiety-based disorder. just because alex seems okay by the end of the fic (lil spoiler, sorry!!) doesn't mean that he's cured. he's still got a long way to go.
> 
> regardless, this was a little different than what i've been writing lately and as someone who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, parts of it were really cathartic for me. hope you enjoy!

Alex is settling in for the night when his phone lights up with a message. It's from the house group chat, and normally Alex tends to ignore those. The messages usually don't pertain to him anyway, since he doesn't leave his room. Like, ever.

It's not as bad as it sounds. His job is totally cool with him working from home, and he's got a bathroom attached to his room plus a mini-fridge in the corner. He doesn't take advantage of any of the common areas of the house apart from the kitchen, and even then he only really ventures out in the dead of night when all of his roommates are asleep.

His therapist isn't exactly happy with his sleep schedule, but neither is Alex. It's not like he doesn't want to sleep at normal times, he just can't.

He never meant for his anxieties to take over his whole life, it just sort of happened. He's managing it as best he can, though, and he hasn't had a bad panic attack in months. (He's been keeping track on his calendar, just so he's sure of his progress.)

And his roommates mostly understand. They didn't, in the beginning, but neither did Alex. He didn't know how bad his anxiety had gotten until he had a full meltdown in the middle of the living room eight months ago. Since then he (and everyone else) has had to adjust to his new way of living. It's fine.

But tonight, he decides to check the group chat. The text is from Willie, their new roommate who's only been living there for a month or so. Alex hasn't formally met him in person, and it's likely he never actually will. But they've texted a couple times and it's fine. Alex doesn't need to meet anybody new, anyway.

He'd be lying if he said his anxiety didn't partly stem from the constant pressure to find his soulmate. Alex doesn't even _want_ a soulmate. He just wants to be left alone.

_Willie - Anybody up for a HSM marathon??_

Alex snickers softly as he scrolls through the replies that came in shortly after Willie sent the initial text.

_Luke - dude wtf no_

_Julie - not again are you serious_

_Reggie - why not descendants come on_

_Willie - i said no reginald_

_Reggie - i'm TELLING YOU he's your twin_

Before he can second guess himself, Alex is typing a reply.

_who's willie's twin?_

Reggie replies with a photo of the actor he's talking about, and Alex hums thoughtfully.

_oh, the cute one_ , he texts, completely forgetting that he's in a _group_ chat and not just texting Reggie on his own.

_Julie - take your flirting out of the gc thank you_

_Luke - lmfaoooo ALEX BRO_

_Flynn - will you all pls shut the fuck up god i'm TRYING to sleep_

Alex drops his phone onto his bed and groans. This is why he never checks the group chat. He didn't mean to imply that Willie's cute, or attempt to flirt with him! He's never even _seen_ Willie, and for all he knows Reggie is totally off base.

His phone lights up with another message, and Alex fully intends to ignore it. As he goes to get rid of the notification, he realizes that Willie's sent him a text outside of the group chat.

_so… marathon?_

Alex snorts as he types out a quick reply, _looks like you're on your own_.

_not if you come watch! come onnnnn_

_i can't._

Another bubble pops up, indicating that Willie's typing, and then it quickly disappears. Alex locks his phone and sets it aside as he takes a deep breath. Willie probably just remembered who he was talking to, and that it's a lost cause trying to convince Alex to do anything.

But then his phone lights up with another message, and Alex's heart does a backflip.

_you could watch it in your room and i'll watch it out here at the same time? then it's almost like we're watching together!_

Alex laughs. Willie's got a point, and it's not a half-bad idea.

_okay_ , he texts back, _gimme five minutes_.

Alex doesn't expect Willie to actually _mean_ it when he says a marathon. They text all through the first High School Musical movie, and when it's over he keeps waiting for Willie to come up with some kind of excuse as to why they shouldn't start the second one.

But Willie doesn't. He immediately suggests they start the second movie right away, and Alex has absolutely zero intention of saying no. By the time the second one ends, it's late. Any normal person would want to skip the third one and go to bed instead.

_up for number 3?_ Willie texts. _if you're not tired?_

_not tired at all_ , Alex texts back.

_yayyyy awesome let's go WILDCATS_

It's the most fun Alex has had in weeks. It's the most social interaction he's had in months. And not once does he feel nervous or overwhelmed. It's honestly a relief to know that he can actually have a connection with someone like this and to not have to explain himself over and over.

Alex doesn't want to live like this forever, but it's what he needs right now.

🏠

After their marathon, Willie starts texting Alex more often. Their other roommates text Alex on occasion, checking in to see if he needs anything or to let him know when packages arrive, that sort of thing. But Willie starts texting him about random things he sees outside, or a funny story about something that happened at work.

He texts Alex because he _wants_ to talk to him. Alex isn't used to that sort of a thing. He's grown used to people texting him just because they want to make sure he hasn't done anything stupid while locked in his room.

It's nice to talk to Willie about things that don't really matter. It's a relief to know that Alex _can_ still be normal sometimes.

Normal doesn't really have the same ring to it once you've gotten used to making meals at three in the morning. Alex would much rather be sound asleep at that time of night, but that's not always as easy as it seems.

He's got it down to a science, more or less. He plans his grocery deliveries for times when at least one roommate is home (Julie, more often than not, because she doesn't mind putting his things away for him unlike _some_ people) and he can usually get at least four servings out of any meal he makes, which means he doesn't have to spend every night in the kitchen at three am.

It just works this way. Alex doesn't have to worry about running into anyone, and he always cleans up after himself so his roommates hardly even know he's been there.

But tonight, just as he's putting the last of his cooking dishes away, he hears footsteps. He manages to escape the kitchen and make it back to his room before whoever it is finds him, but it was too close of a call for his liking.

The panic attack that follows isn't so bad, but it makes it that much harder for Alex to leave his room. He tries to tell himself that he shouldn't be so nervous to be around his roommates, that they just want him to feel safe around them. He has no reason to _be_ so nervous in their company, it's just not something he can control.

If he could control it, he definitely wouldn't live like this.

In the morning when Alex wakes up, he finds a text from Willie on his phone that contains a photo of their kitchen with the caption _clean kitchen ninja strikes again!!_

Alex cracks a smile as his chest swells a little. He'd never admit it aloud, but he _likes_ Willie. A week ago, he didn't even know what Willie looked like.

They've never met in person. Alex has never actually spoken to Willie, but after a week of texting back and forth he can't help but feel like he knows Willie better than his other roommates.

Alex tries not to feel bad about that. He likes his other roommates, and he felt horrendously guilty for months after his meltdown in the living room. It's been one of the big things he's been trying to work through with his therapist, and while he's talked to them all individually via text since, Alex still can't help but feel like he's ruined everything.

He knows that no amount of texting can replace having a conversation face-to-face. It's just not the same. Even video chats can only go so far, and Alex doesn't really like doing those to begin with. Sometimes he dreams about not just spending time with his roommates, but actually going _outside_ again. In his dreams, it's not as scary.

When he thinks about it during the day, it may as well be a nightmare.

🏠

Another week goes by before one evening, a note slides under Alex's door. He hesitates for a moment, staring at the slip of paper on the floor from the comfort and safety of his bed. His door's locked like it always is, but a small wave of panic flood Alex's veins at the thought of someone standing on the other side waiting for an answer.

He swallows hard and takes a deep breath, letting it out very slowly before repeating it two more times. By the time Alex actually gathers the courage to go and get the note off the floor, almost five minutes have passed since it first appeared.

Alex doesn't recognize the handwriting when he unfolds the note, but it turns out not to matter because Willie signed his name.

_another marathon tonight? I was thinking LOTR? -Willie_

Alex feels his face turn pink as he makes his way back to his bed, curling up under his blankets again as he grabs his phone off the nightstand and texts Willie.

_a LOTR marathon starting at 9pm? we'll be up all night_

Alex pauses for a moment, and then sends another text.

_why the note? why not just text me haha_

He doesn't have to wait long for Willie's reply, though the seconds feel a lot longer when he's anxiously staring at his phone.

_because notes are fun, alex. it's like 6th grade all over again hahaha_

_also there's no wrong time to start a LOTR marathon!!!_

_ok fair_ , Alex writes back, _i'm down._

_i knew you would be! start in ten?_

Alex texts back in the affirmative and picks up his laptop, settling in for what's likely going to be a long night if Willie doesn't fall asleep during The Two Towers. Hell, he might not even make it through Fellowship, for all Alex knows.

The hobbits are just leaving the Shire when Willie texts Alex the ultimate question.

_if you had to pick, would you be an elf or a hobbit?_

_those are my only options?_ Alex snickers to himself.

_ok. elf, dwarf, hobbit._

_oh wow thanks what a choice_

_cmon this is serious business!!!_

Alex rolls his eyes as he texts back, _probably an elf?? i've never really thought about it_

_what!! i think about this EVERY TIME!!!!_

_ok, then who would you be???_

_hobbit DUH. they've got it made in the shire!_

_rivendell's pretty sick, you can't deny it_

_ok yeah but come on. hobbits!! cozy!! all they do is eat and garden and hang out. it's the life!_

Alex rolls his eyes again, setting his phone aside to concentrate on the movie again. The hobbits are running from the Ringwraiths when Alex's phone buzzes again.

_i think you'd be a good hobbit._

_thank you?_

_you've already kind of got a hobbit hole._

The smile on Alex's face falters. Willie probably didn't mean it as an insult, but that doesn't stop it from feeling like one. They'd been doing so well, too. Willie hadn't brought up the agoraphobia mess once in the two weeks they'd been texting. Alex hoped that maybe he never would.

_was that rude? i didn't mean it like that_ , Willie texts soon after. _i just meant that like you've got a sweet setup and any hobbit would totally love it_

Alex swallows hard and he takes a deep breath before he responds.

_no, i get it. you're probably right, frodo would love it in here._

_hahahaha he craves adventure though!! maybe sam. he'd be your roomie in a heartbeat._

Alex chuckles softly as his chest swells with fondness. The discomfort he felt a moment ago has totally disappeared.

_does that make me sam, if i'm a hobbit?_

_if you're sam then i'm frodo. deal?_

Alex's heart skips a beat. _deal._

As the first film finishes and they make plans to start the second one, Willie texts Alex something he didn't expect.

_do you think frodo and sam are soulmates?_

Alex considers it for a moment. He thinks that there are all types of soulmates, not just the ones they're conditioned to want to find. Alex glances down at his soulmate tattoo and then tugs his sleeve over it, hiding it from his sight.

_maybe? kind of a dick move for sam to marry rosie if they are_

_hahahahahahaha true, frodo totally gets him back by sailing off with bilbo and gandalf though._

They've just pressed play on their respective films when Willie starts a new line of soulmate talk. Alex thought this might be coming, but that doesn't mean he was ready for it.

_what do you think about soulmates?_

He sighs. If he was going to be honest, he'd tell Willie that he thinks the whole thing is stupid. He's had this dumb tattoo for a few years now and every time he looks down at it he can't help but think if _this_ is the first thing his soulmate says to him, then what the hell kind of a person can his soulmate even be?

_soulmates are weird_ , he ends up saying. _like you meet someone for the first time and if what they say to you just happens to match what you've got on your arm, then boom! you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with them?? what if they suck???_

_i never thought about it like that haha i hope my soulmate doesn't suck_ , Willie replies. Alex's mouth twitches with a smile, and the grey bubble pops up again as Willie types out another message.

_i think it's kind of nice, though. to know that there's somebody out there who just gets you. it'd be nice to have that, don't you think?_

_i guess that means you haven't found your soulmate yet?_

_nope! no soulmate for meee lol hence why i'm free for marathons all the time haha_

"Lucky me," Alex mumbles to himself, trying once again not to take offense. He's pretty sure Willie doesn't mean to come across as rude in his texts. Sometimes it just happens.

_i don't think i'll find mine anytime soon, so i'll be free for marathons for the foreseeable future_

_maybe someday we can have one in the living room?_ Willie texts, and Alex sucks in a sharp breath when he reads it. This is the sort of message he was dreading.

It's not that he doesn't want to say yes. He really wishes it were that simple. If he could just _be_ around other people, he wouldn't be in this mess.

Willie sends another text and Alex's hands shake as he holds his phone up to read it.

_would it be easier if it was just us? we could watch in your room. or mine, if you don't want me in your space._

Alex whimpers under his breath and drops his phone on his bed. He slides his laptop off of his lap as he rolls over, curling around his pillow as he tries to focus on his breathing. It was just an innocent question, he doesn't need to be getting so worked up over it. It's not like Willie's going to come beat down his door and drag him out if Alex says no.

His phone buzzes again but Alex doesn't reach for it. The notification pops up in the corner of his screen, telling him it's another message from Willie.

_sorry i didn't mean to push, i was just…_

The preview cuts off and Alex groans as he fumbles around for his phone, telling himself to get a fucking grip already as he sits up to read the message.

_sorry i didn't mean to push, i was just wondering if easing into it would help. i don't really know a lot about what happened, the guys didn't feel like it was their place to tell me._

Alex sighs deeply. They should've had this conversation a long time ago.

_i've always been anxious_ , he writes, _but it didn't used to be this bad. i don't really like talking about it honestly. but my therapist says that not talking about it just makes it worse so i'm just stuck i guess?_

_we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. i've just been thinking about it a lot. sorry if i overstepped :(_

_it's okay_ , Alex writes back as he lets out another deep sigh. _i probably should talk about it. i just get embarrassed. i feel like i should be able to hang out in the living room without any issues but every time i think about doing it i just get so nervous and anxious i feel like i'm gonna die and i don't think anybody really wants to deal with that._

The grey bubble pops up and disappears several times, and each time it happens Alex feels his heart sink a little more. He should've just changed the subject. He's ruined whatever they had going.

_i'm sorry_ , Willie suddenly texts, _i'm trying so hard not to say the wrong thing that i can't think of anything else to say. i know we don't know each other super well but like… i'm here for you. if you wanna try or if you wanna talk or if you just wanna watch dumb movie marathons just like this forever, i'm totally here for that._

Alex snorts a little as he cracks a smile. How does Willie do this? How can he make Alex feel better with just a couple simple words?

_i know you didn't just call LOTR dumb,_ he writes back.

_NO OMG I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT I WOULD NEVER_

Alex laughs. _good. can't have you slandering our hobbit fam!_

_hobbits for lifeeeeeeeeee_

🏠

Alex thinks about Willie's suggestion a lot over the next week. He talks to his therapist about it at great length, and he thinks it's worth a try. It's a baby step, but it's a lot more than Alex has been even willing to _talk_ about in months. _Even if it's just for an hour_ , he tells Alex, _then it's an hour towards progress_.

It takes Alex another two days to broach the topic with Willie again. He thinks about doing it about a hundred times before he actually does it.

_is your offer for a marathon in your room still good?_ Alex pauses, rereading what he's typed about a dozen times before he adds to it. _idk if i'll be able to do a whole marathon, but maybe we can start with one movie?_

_yes!!_ Willie texts back immediately. _i've got the perfect movie. name the day, i'll get the popcorn ready._

Alex breathes in slowly and runs a hand through his hair, resisting the urge to crawl back into his bed and pull the covers over his head. He can do this. There's no pressure here. It's just him and Willie watching a movie.

_friday?_ he writes back.

_friday it is! :)_

When Friday comes around, Alex is in an absolute tizzy. He's been pacing around his room all day, which absolutely is not helping. The closer it gets to the time he should leave his room, the less he wants to do it. He likes staying in his room, it's safe here. It's just him. He doesn't have to worry about anything in here.

He's never been in Willie's room. He's never even _met_ Willie. Anxiety fills his mind, his whole _body_ , as he thinks about all the things that _could_ happen. He can't do this. It was a mistake to think that he could.

_i can't do this_ , he texts Willie before he sets his phone down and shuts himself up in his bathroom. He curls up in a ball and rocks back and forth as the panic sets in. He tries to remind himself that he's okay, that everything's going to be fine if he just stays in his room, but he still feels like he can't breathe.

It's overwhelming. Alex starts crying and pulling his hair as he tries to calm down, to ground himself and take back control. His mind swirls with chaos and anxiety, sending him spiraling down until he collapses on the bathroom floor and sobs.

He feels like a failure. He couldn't leave his room, not even for an hour. He probably wouldn't even be able to leave his room for five _minutes_. He never should've tried to give himself hope. It was never going to work.

Alex's panic attack leaves him utterly exhausted. He drags himself off the floor and forces himself to take a shower, standing under the spray for far longer than necessary. He turns the faucet to cold to wake himself up, to remind him that he's here, he's safe, he's _alive_.

When Alex finally leaves the bathroom, it's been hours since he went in. He leaves his phone right where he left it as he pulls on the comfiest pair of sweatpants he owns followed by a sweatshirt, and then crawls into bed. He's exhausted down to his bones, but he still finds it hard to fall asleep.

His mind refuses to let him forget that he failed. He hardly even tried.

🏠

Alex doesn't leave his room at all over the next four days. The only reason he does is because he's run out of leftovers in his mini fridge. He's been avoiding it all day, waiting for the dead of night to ensure nobody's around.

Honestly, if he could sleep he'd probably try and go another day without leaving his room. But he's been trying to fall asleep since 10pm and it just hasn't worked. It seems like a sick ploy by his body to make him try again by withholding sleep and making him feel hungry, but he can't ignore the rumble in his stomach anymore. He needs real food, not just snacks.

His eyes are so heavy it's hard to keep them open as he stumbles down the hallway. Alex tells himself that this is the trade-off: if he makes it to the kitchen and cooks some _real_ food, then he'll be able to sleep.

Alex is so caught up in his own head, focusing so hard on putting one foot in front of the other, that he doesn't realize the light in the kitchen is already on when he reaches the doorway. There's someone already in there, standing at the stove.

At first, Alex thinks he's hallucinating. He stares at the person, a total stranger, and then rubs his eyes furiously as he thinks that he _has_ to be seeing things. Nobody's ever up at this hour.

But when he opens his eyes again, he's met with a pair of nervous eyes and a hesitant smile.

"Hot dog?" he offers, gesturing to the pan on the stove in front of him. Alex stares at him for a few seconds, and then blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.

"Are there buns?"

Alex still isn't convinced this is real life. He's pretty sure he's had this dream before. A cute guy smiling at him and offering him food, like they're just two normal people. It's the kind of thing Alex can only dream of, really. It's not going to happen in real life.

But this _is_ real life, Alex realizes. For the first time in months, he's talking to someone face to face. And… he's not panicking. His chest doesn't feel tight, he's not hyperventilating, he's just… himself.

Another realization hits him and his eyes go wide. It's no stranger in front of him, it's _Willie_.

Willie's staring straight at him with a similarly wide-eyed look, and Alex starts to blush. He blinks several times and turns his attention to the stove, where the hot dogs are starting to get a little _crispy_.

"Uhh…" Alex gestures towards the stove and Willie tears his eyes away, muttering a curse as he quickly moves the pan to another burner and shuts the front burner off.

"Sorry," he breathes out with a laugh. "I just… you said--"

"What did I say?" Alex blinks again, trying to remember.

Willie pauses for a moment and lets out a soft breath. Then, he turns towards Alex and slowly pulls the sleeve back from his arm and holds out his wrist. He's showing Alex his soulmate tattoo, and Alex freezes when he reads it.

_are there buns?_

And that's when his third realization _finally_ hits. He remembers his own soulmate tattoo, and he can't help but laugh. He pulls his own sleeve back, revealing the words he's found so stupid for so many years.

_hot dog?_

"You're my…" Alex's voice gives out. His head is spinning, but not in a bad way. He can't believe that he's actually found his soulmate, and he's been _right here_ the whole time.

"Yeah," Willie says with a laugh, "I'm your soulmate." He tucks his hair behind his ear and shrugs. "Not bad for a first meeting, huh?"

Alex snorts with laughter in spite of himself. "I, uhh, just… this is not how I expected it to go."

"I didn't, like, plan this." Willie laughs, but it sounds nervous. "I've, umm, actually been leaving food for you? Like, every night? Since, well…"

Alex winces slightly and hangs his head.

"No, like--" Willie groans. "I just thought that maybe, if you came out of your room, you'd need a little positive reinforcement?"

"So you've been…" Alex glances at the stove and cracks a small smile. "Making hot dogs every night?"

"Well…" Willie snorts, "not exactly. I had the late shift tonight and I was just… weirdly craving hot dogs?"

Alex's mouth twists into a smile. "Maybe there's something to this whole soulmate thing after all."

Willie raises an eyebrow. "Like, fate?"

"I mean…" Alex shrugs. "I'm here. You're here. And I'm…" He nervously scratches the back of his head and shrugs again, "... _not_ having a panic attack, so. That's gotta mean something, right?"

Willie smiles widely. "I knew you could do it."

"That makes one of us," Alex answers with a breathy laugh.

"Are you feeling okay?" Willie asks as he takes a hesitant step forward, and then quickly retreats. "Do you need me to, like, go?"

"I…" Alex draws in a shaky breath. "I don't know? I always thought I'd freak out if this happened. But… this isn't so bad, I think?"

"Baby steps," Willie replies. "Start with a hot dog in the kitchen at 3am," he says as he gestures to the stove with a laugh, "and maybe tomorrow, quesadillas?"

Alex snorts. "You're really going to wake up at 3am?" He pauses for a second. "For me?"

"Yeah," Willie answers automatically. "Of course."

The urge comes over Alex in a heartbeat. He never would've thought in a million years that he'd be the one to instigate physical contact after so long, but as soon as Willie says _of course_ , Alex finds himself closing the space between them and pulling Willie into a hug.

Willie responds immediately, wrapping his arms around Alex in a tight hold. Alex shuts his eyes as he breathes in Willie's scent, and he _gets it_. Why everyone's always been so obsessed with finding their soulmate. He finally understands. Willie feels like home.

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](https://astorytotellyourfriends.tumblr.com/)


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